How not to Give a Gift

I fancy myself a pretty good gift giver. I look forward to picking out gifts and I think people are usually pretty satisfied with what I give them. But I've noticed that for many gift giving is a source of anxiety, even dread.

It's easier to say what a good gift is not than what it is. With that in mind, here are three common pitfalls.

1. The overly generic gift

I'm talking here about gifts for people you're actually close to, so if it's for a random co-worker or something, sure, get them the Barnes and Noble gift certificate, who cares. But gifts should be seen as an opportunity to demonstrate how well you know someone. Grandparent exemption: if you've already made peace with the fact that you can never understand your grandkids with their videogames and Pokemon, cash is an acceptable backup plan.

2. The gift that is actually for you (the giver, not the giftee)
As usual, The Simpsons provides the classic example. Homer gives Marge a bowling ball already engraved with his name (she's never bowled). That's an obvious example, but it's possible to fall into the same trap in subtler ways, say by getting something associated with a shared activity that you actually enjoy a lot more than the giftee.

3. The gift designed to impose change
The gym membership for someone fat, the kite for someone who spends all their time indoors, the knife for an axe murderer. These are the opposite of gifts. A true gift says, "I appreciate and love you for who you are." These kind of gifts say, "Who you are is unacceptable to me, so I must change you." Yet it's a fine line that separates these non-gifts from the very best gifts. The best gifts are things they would not get for themselves -- things they didn't know they'd love, but would, or things they secretly want, but would never actually buy. The best gifts stretch, but do not change.